A few weeks prior to that another friend and I were supposed to meet for lunch at 1pm on a Saturday. When I got there I ordered a drink and texted her to tell her that I was there. She didn't respond and after a half hour I called another friend who lives in the neighborhood and bought him a drink. She texted at 2:30 to tell me that she forgot and that she's sorry (not bothering with an actual phone call). She did this same thing a few weeks later. When I received a mass text from her a few weeks after that, I deleted her number.
I used to visit a third friend about once a week at the cafe where he works and we chat. I told him that instead of us talking while he's on the clock and has to frequently leave to tend to customers, maybe we should grab a beer sometime. He said that he was too busy. Eventually I no longer make the time either.
I work full time, go to the gym an hour a day and am studying for medical school as well as writing when I can, and I make a point to set aside time for my personal relationships and yet it's a rare person indeed who also puts in that sort of effort. I can't say that I understand it. I'm a witty and fun person - ask anyone who's blown me off this week! If I didn't know so many people who also complained of last minute ditches (who 'falls asleep' at 8pm on a Friday night?) I'd be having an identity crisis. Since the war years, the number of close friends that a person reports has dropped from three to one. Why is this? Is it technology - do you 'poke' when you should call?
Those who don't return phone calls or remember birthdays, here's a fair warning: You're probably going to die a lot sooner than those of us who value our friendships. Researchers at Brigham Young University in Utah reviewed 148 medical articles analying 300,000 people and concluded that those with a good social network had a 50% chance of living longer than those with poor personal relationships. "In our study we compared [loneliness] to being twice the risk of being obese, about being twice the risk of not exercising physically when you should and about equivalent to being alcoholic," says lead researcher Timothy Smith. It's hard to pinpoint physiologically why that is, but we know for a fact that people losing a spouse have weaker immune systems, so it stands to reason that friendless people might be experiencing a similiar reaction.
This reminded me of Dan Buettner's recent TED talk where he outlined the three aspects of life in a culture where people consistently lived to see age 100. The first one was a plant based diet, not a vegan diet, per se, but one where most of the nutrients came from plant resources, allowing for occasional servings of meat and cheese. The second aspect was physical activity being buildt into daily life, not bouts of exercise followed by inactivity, but rather lots of walking to get around and only very seldom times of complete inactivity. The final discovery was something that most people probably don't think a lot about; extensive kinship networks. The people he studied had lots of friends, family members and interpersonal relationships. There was less stress because there was less social anxiety and more people around meant that you don't have to do as much work, that people listen to your problems and that people help you when they're needed. They also need you and as we can see from elderly people who live longer when they have pets or jobs , people need to be needed.
Stress literally runs down your organ systems and kills you. And I'm sure that anyone reading this has had the experience of a stress migraine or an incredible stomach ache after a bad day. This weekend, do yourself a favor: call that friend that you've meaning to call for two months, buy your mother lunch and then go out for few drinks with your friends, you just might add some years to your life.
